Sunday, Nov 1, 2009

Affair

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful.  He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving  and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the  scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle  the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business- like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife.  So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal  manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

Darrell was standing at a urinal in a bar bathroom when this enormous guys walks in, unzips his pants and exposes the biggest dick in the world -- four feet long, five inches thick and violently red and angry.

The monster looks at Darrell, grabs his huge dick with both hands, like holding a baseball bat, and gives it an almighty swing, smashing the porcelain sink to pieces!

He growls and leers at the now frightened Darrell, looks around and with another almighty swing, smashes the condom vending machine right off the wall!

After another hideous growl he slams his huge dick against the side of the urinal several times, bending the stainless steel into contorted shapes!

All of a sudden he stops, looks Darrell straight in the eye and shouts,

"The next place this porcelain smashing, vender bending, urinal destroyer is going... is up your ass buddy!"

With that, Darrell lets out a sigh of relief and says, "Thank God for that, I thought you were going to HIT me with it."

Heh! Manuel! 'Ow are you?"

"Verrry wella. 'Ow are you, Pepe?"

"Soooo happy! I am married, my wife is da mosta beautifool woooman in da world! She cooksa mosta tasty chillie, she isa da besta 'ousekeeper, you musta come an' see 'er. There's justa one thinga, she is a mute, she cannotta speaka at all."

A couple of days later Pepe sees Manuel.

"Hey, Manuel, 'ave you seena my wife?"

"Yeah."

"And whatta you thinka?"

"She is DISGUSTING!"

"Disgusting? My Chiquita? Why?"

"I wentta to see you. I politely said to 'er , 'My name is Manuel.
I 'ave come to see Pepe. Is he at 'ome? Where is he?' So, she turns her back to me, she lifta 'er skirt up, bends forward, and she isn't wearing anything underneatha! Then, she showsa me the coffee pot. Disgusting."

"Nah, she is not disgusting, she was telling you, 'That asshole is ina da cafe'."

One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep, I would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defense....... "

It was a difficult case for the jurors. They had to decide whether the owners of the Bottoms Up Club in NYC were guilty of obscenity. The Judge decided that it would probably be best if the jury went to the club and see the allegedly obscene act.

The judge and the jury watched the act once, focusing on the part where a sexy couple performed the "Dance of Love" with a climactic scene of lovemaking on a bearskin rug. The jury was unable to decide

definitely whether it was obscene or not. So the jury members asked to see the act one more time. They watched it carefully again. But they still couldn't reach a decision. So this time they asked the understudies to perform the same act one more time.

Fortunately, the police involved in the case were very understanding. According to the Detective: "It is a difficult matter. The police have watched the show 75 times."

A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do. He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where she wants her picture to be located.

After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she gives up and goes out to buy one.

When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.

"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"

He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to nail you."

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical complaining of all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very little appetite, nervous, etc. After a complete exam, the doctor can find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from depression. The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.

"Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife. She's made my life unbearable. I fantasize all the time about killing that damn witch. In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."

The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would in fact, violate his oath to save lives. He said, "Besides, you'll get life in prison yourself, at best. I'll tell ya what though, I can give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can then 'love her to death'. No jury in the world is going to convict a man for loving his wife too much. She'll be gone in a month at best."

The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning. Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend, and becomes concerned.

After office hours, he stops by his friend's house to see if all is well. He finds his friend sitting on the sun deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day. The man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,and looked terrible.

The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???"

The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter. That woman and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite." Then, he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze. Just then the wife appeared from inside the house. All slim and trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off for a few sets of tennis. As she leaped into her new sports car, her husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch. She hasn't a lick of sense. If she only knew she has less than a week to live she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

A man, who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt. He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

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One Liners...

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You're having a bad day when you see a sign in your dentist's office that says, "No pain, no gain."

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Gettin' married is like getting into a bathtub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

Why did God create economists? To make weathermen look good!

"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one."

What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? Self employed.

Click here to Read Random Jokes

Trivia...

The major side effects from abusing anabolic steroids can include liver tumors and cancer, jaundice (yellowish pigmentation of skin, tissues, and body fluids), fluid retention, high blood pressure, increases in LDL (bad cholesterol), and decreases in HDL (good cholesterol). Other side effects include kidney tumors, severe acne, and trembling.

The rosy periwinkle plant, found in Madagascar, is used to cure leukemia.

Tobacco smoke contains over 4,000 chemicals, including at least 50 that cause, initiate or promote cancer such as tar, ammonia, carbon monoxide, oxides of nitrogen and benzopyrene. Traces of cocaine were found on 99% of UK bank notes in a survey in London in 2000.

A honey bee must tap two million flowers to make one pound of honey.

A perfect game in baseball is one in which the same player pitches the entire game without allowing any player of the opposing team to reach first base -- by any means.

At Jack Russell Stadium in Clearwater, Florida, on June 26, 1985, organist Wilbur Snapp played "Three Blind Mice" following a call by umpire Keith O'Connor. The umpire was not amused, and saw to it that Mr. Snapp was ejected from the game.

Babe Ruth hit his first major-league home run on May 6, 1915. He was playing for the Boston Red Sox at the time. 'The Sultan of Swat' went on to smash 714 round-trippers before he retired, from the Boston Braves, in 1935.

Baseball rules were codified in 1846 by Alexander Cartwright of the Knickerbocker Baseball Club.

A typical American eats 28 pigs in his/her lifetime.

Americans consumed over 3.1 billion pounds of chocolate in 2001, which is almost half of the total world's production.