Monday, Mar 1, 2010
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One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, so forth. However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Obama elected, but it's just too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went `bang, bang'. Miraculously two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Another missionary party from United States decided to go to Africa to make friends with and converts of the native tribes. They decided to take with them something that was unique and unquestionably American.
After much research and debate, they decided that Pepsi Cola was the most American product they could find!!! So, they packed up their equipment and filled the cargohold of their transport plane with hundreds and hundreds of cases of that specially American soft drink... Pepsi Cola.
Then lo and behold, who did they run into in the deepest, darkest area of the already admittedly dark continent... well, you guessed it... the ever-present tribe of cannibals.
Well they tried to convert them, then they tried to escape from them and finally, they beseeched the chieftan of the tribe not to eat them. All to no avail.
But the Pepsi Cola did not go to waste... the cannibals used it to stew the hapless missionaries. Slowly they simmered in the crock pots, hours and hours on end until they were pink and juicy and ready to serve.
And the cannibals began feasting. From the top of the missionaries' heads, they ate downward til they reached their private little things. Then from the tip of their toes, the cannibals ate upwards until they again reached the missionaries private little things.
They devoured every single morsel of the cannibals bodies... except for their private little things. And do you know why?
Because things go better with Coke!
Stan
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man sneaks into the girl's bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."
"What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."
The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
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Those were the days when a doctor made the rounds, accompanied by his old hound dog, visiting patients in their homes.
Now that Dr. Sam was getting old, he brought in a new young partner. Dr. Barry was a graduate of Columbia Medical School and had done his residency at Mass General. He had top grades in school and wicked high scores on Board licensing exams. And then he gone to work for years practicing medicine and taking care of folks in Chicago and then in D.C. And in taking care of patients, and expanding his practice, he had proven to all his colleagues and patients and neighbors that he not only was smart and compassionate, but that he also had better judgment than almost anybody else.
But still, when he was brought in to be a partner, and was being groomed to take over "Uncle" Dr. Sam's practice, some people worried that Dr. Barry was too young and too inexperienced.
"You know," said Dr. Sam, "I have been making rounds with my dog for many years. My dog is old and has lots of experience. But my dog would still be a lousy doctor."
Young woman
A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying.
"What's the matter child?" he asks.
"Oh, Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic."
"There, there child. Here's what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around."
Tearfully, the young woman says she'll try it. About a year later, they meet again, and again she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing.
"Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father."
"Did you explain about the Church as I suggested?"
"Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he's now studying to be a priest."
Trivia
It was on this night in 1940 that Beat the Band made its debut on NBC radio. The band was that of Ted Weems and his 14-piece orchestra, who were joined by Elmo `The Whistling Troubadour' Tanner, Harry Soskind and Country Washington; announcers Marvin Miller and Fort Pearson; emcee, Thomas Garrison Morfit (aka Garry Moore) and Hildegarde; and several noted singers, Marvel Maxwell and Marilyn Thorne. One other star of the show was a barber from Pittsburgh, PA (nearby Canonsburg, actually), who would record many hits for RCA Victor from 1943 right through the dawn of the 1970s. His name was Perry Como.
Beat the Band was a funky show where listeners' questions were selected in the hopes of stumping the band. If a listener's question was chosen, he or she received $10.
The questions were posed as riddles: What song title tells you what Cinderella might have said if she awoke one morning and found that her foot had grown too large for her glass slipper? If the band played the correct musical answer, Where Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?, the listener lost.
When Raleigh cigarettes sponsored Beat the Band, the listener who beat the band won $50 and two cartons of cigarettes ... Raleighs, of course. When the sponsor changed to General Mill's Kix cereal, if the listener beat the band, he/she won twenty bucks and a case of Kix cereal. Crunch. Crunch.
The strawberry is the only agricultural product that bears its seeds on the outside.
Brown eggs have thicker shells, which makes them great for boiled eggs...they don't crack as easily.
When potatoes were first introduced to Europe, people were skeptical and only ate the leaves, which made them sick. They would then throw away the rest, including the actual spud.
The woolly mammoth, extinct since the Ice Age, had tusks almost 16 feet high.
Nero and Henry VIII were both relatively good rulers when they assumed power, but both became bloodstained tyrants.
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