Monday, Feb 1, 2010
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Hi y'all...muh name id's Bubba and dis is muh fameily:
Furst is me... Mom said I got all the good looks and no brains. I love being a babe hound. Girls make spit roll down my chin. I have a stomach problem and fart alot.
My Mom has lots of boyfriends. One of them has a job. She says with a little luck I could be a garbage man one day.
My brother Hank is in jail right now. When he gets out he is not allowed to be around animals and kitchen appliances.
My grandmom lives with us in our trailer. Shes smells real bad. She likes to hang out in bars and drink beer. Grandma has sores all over and they leak yellow stuff on the furniture. The flies are terrible.
My mom says she is almost positive this is who my Dad is. He lives in a Federal Penitentiary in Montana. When he gets out in 55 years we are gonna go fishing. The blood stains inside my Dads truck are almost all gone!
My younger sister Jill lost all her teeth. She was licking a egg beater after mom made a cake and my cousin Jimmy turned it on by accident.
We are proud of my older brother Barney. He is only 27 and all ready in the 4th grade. He wants to be a Doctor and can write his own name!
Then there's my half brother Jim Bob and his wife. She is a hottie. They raise Possum in their back yard. They are not allowed to have children.
My older sister Sue Ellen has 15 kids and they all look different. We depend on her welfare check to get by. She has a disease that makes her itch.
Jethro is my 1st cousin. He runs a tomato stand down by the highway. He once went 53 days without taking a bath.
Buck is my second cousin. He is pretty smart. Buck is going to be a dentist some day. He does all the work on our teeth.
My sisters boyfriend for now is Larry. He fixes lawn mowers in the city. My sister says he has a hairy butt.
Michael used to be my best friend but got killed by a bus on the interstate. I still wear his underwear.
Jake is my new friend. He holds the park record. He once jumped over 7 trailers. Jake crashed alot and talks real slow now. His doctor told him to wear a helmit.
My uncle Marky is still having problems. He doesn't know what he wants in life anymore. He is a Veitnam War hero and now sells perfume at a department store.
My step brother Phil had a hunting accident years ago. The bullet is lodged just over his right ear. It's hard to understand him sometimes and he always stinks like rotten cheese.
That's the END OF MUH FAMEILY!
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French."
A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past.
"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Aw, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $100,000 for the horse."
Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."
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"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."
Three guys are walking down the beach ...when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.
Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"
The guy freaks and runs away.
So the second guy goes over to her and starts 'doing his thing' when she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing. When she says "What will we name the child?"
He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.
He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him Houdini."
A priest was preparing a dying man for his 'long day's journey into night'. Whispering firmly, the priest says, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil."
The dying man says nothing.
The priest repeats his order again.
Still, the dying man says nothing.
The priest asks,
"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man replies,
"Until I know exactly where I'm headed, I don't think it's such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet."
Trivia
It seems parrots can play the stock market better than most people.
In a 6 week contest of 10 people and one 5 year old parrot named `Ddalgi'' which means `Strawberry', the parrot came 3rd!
According to the AF press today, "Each started with 60 million won ($57,636.41) in cyber money and traded 10 million won worth of stocks in each transaction.
Human investors picked any stocks they wanted.
The parrot, using its beak, made random choices from balls representing 30 blue chips including Samsung Electronics.
"The outcome of our contest was amazing. Ddalgi stood third with her investment return standing at 13.7 per cent,'' Paxnet general manager Chung Yeon-Dae said.
Human investors averaged a 4.6 per cent loss, with only two outperforming the parrot - one by 64.4 per cent and one by 21.4 per cent."
It is estimated that on average, there are 61,000 people airborne over the USA all the time.
For centuries, Spain's fishing fleet has been and still is one of the world's largest.
There really are such thing as "cooties." Though most people believe that "cooties" is just a nonsense word used by children to describe unpleasant insects, cooties are in fact a kind of body lice.
Gold salts are sometimes injected into the muscles to relieve arthritis.
During the Prohibition, at least 1,565 Americans died from drinking bad liquor, hundreds were blinded, and many were killed in bootlegger wars. Federal Agents and the Coast Guard made 75,000 arrests per year.
False eyelashes were invented by film director D.W. Griffith while he was making the 1916 epic, "Intolerance." He wanted actress Seena Owen to have lashes that brushed her cheeks.
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