Tuesday,
Dec 1, 2009
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Here we are in December already...Do you need help with the holiday shopping?
Click HERE or copy/paste this
http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php
into your browser.
Two days later the buffalo left. The men got out of the shack only to find layers of crap everywhere! They were forced to jump in because there was no way out.
The German took a leap and said, "It's not bad, it's only up to my waist."
The American took a leap and said, "It's not bad, it's only up to my knees."
Then the Mexican took a leap and said, "It's not bad, it's only up to my ankles."
The American asked, " How did you do that. "
The Mexican replied in a muffled voice, "I jumped in head first."
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
"How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?"
she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All
right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and
just
do my own thing without you forcing food own my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things
around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife
sees a full moon and says to herself, "I guess it's that time of the
month."
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Perfect gift for her!
Massage candles, fragrances, vibrating massagers.
Award-winning design. |
The Parking ticket
Working people frequently ask retired people, what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a shit-head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care.
We came into town by bus and the car had a Quebec sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's very important at our age.
Mary
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
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Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/ykauecl
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Lots of fun novelty items
The Prank Place... Fun and Outrageous place to shop
This site is a must see, it has dozens, hundreds of fun items. All the items you need for practical jokes, or just having fun. Family and adult oriented stuff. Click the link, it doesn't hurt or cost anything to look.
Click here to Read Random Jokes
Click the pic or copy/paste http://tinyurl.com/yklxry6 |
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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The first Cascade Tunnel was a 2.6-mile (4.2 km) long single track railroad tunnel at Stevens Pass through the Cascade Mountains approximately 65 miles (105 km) to the east of Everett, Washington. It was built by the Great Northern Railway in 1900 to avoid problems caused by heavy winter snowfalls on the original line that had eight Zig Zags (switchbacks). The second tunnel, a 7.8-mile (12.5 km) replacement of the earlier tunnel, was put in service on January 12, 1929 and is still in operation.
Abraham Lincoln appeared on the 100 dollar bill from 1869 until 1880. He was replaced by President James Monroe in 1891 and then Benjamin Franklin from 1928 until the present.
Bills over $100 were discontinued and removed from circulation on July 14, 1969
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